Memories, etc

I don't remember when cigarettes stopped being an accessory and started being a craving. But I remember other things.

I remember the first time I inhaled. I was walking around with my eighth grade friends doing what I thought was smoking. Doing what I thought was looking cool. "You're not inhaling," said a girl I was with. "Yes I am!!!" I replied, and showed off my skills by taking smoke into my mouth, breathing through my nose, and exhaling through my mouth. "That's not smoking," my incredibly helpful friend said. "This is. Take a pull of your cigarette." I did. She grabbed my shoulders and shouted "YOUR MOTHER'S COMING!" I inhaled so hard I felt like I was dying.

Think about it. You're minding your own business doing something wrong and then suddenly...your mother's coming. How quickly did you draw breath?

That's how I learned to inhale.

I remember being at camp when I was sixteen and sneaking behind the laundry room to smoke. Years earlier some smoking counselor stuck a chair back there and every year someone put it back at the beginning of the summer. The only thing I had with me to cover the smell was some orange air freshener. I walked around smelling like an artificial basket of oranges all summer.

I remember being the only smoker in the 9th grade to not have their parents called. I was part of the "smokers crew" as we called ourselves. One of the guys we hung out with received a lighter engraved with "_____ _____ High School Smokers Crew" from the rest of us. We were so proud of our habit.


I slipped up again on Thursday night, but not nearly as badly as I could have. It's hard to not smoke when you're being fed tequila shots by people you haven't seen in ten years. (Don't even ask) But as I normally would have smoked at least half a pack on a night like that, I'm pretty pleased with myself for only having a cigarette or two over the course of the night. Mad that I smoked at all, but glad I didn't smoke more.

I'm doing the best I can.